surReal Housewives of Miami

So tonight I decided to brave the series premiere of The Real Housewives of Miami. Wow. Huge MONUMENTAL mistake. I've dabbled in previous Housewives seasons - New Jersey, I admit I got a little sucked into that one; New York, but mostly because Bethenny was hiiiilarious (and now the only one with a spin off show, Bethenny, FTW); I attempted to watch an Orange County episode, changed it after about 30 seconds and I stopped trying after that. I should have kept my record going, but I'm thinking of traveling to Miami one of these days so I figured, what could it hurt? OH YEAH, my eyes and my ears and my brain.

So the show started with little intro sequences of the six Miamian ladies. Here's a little synopsis:

Larsa - assyrian/lebanese lady, married to the ex-NBA player Scottie Pippen, 4 kids

Cristy - latina miami native, ex-wife to NBA star Glen Rice, 3 kids

Alexia - self-proclaimed "Cuban Barbie," works with her husband on Venue Magazine, 2 kids

Adriana -  brazilian, recently divorced and newly engaged, 1 kid

Marysol - miami native, runs a successful PR firm, mom is a "seer" (read see-er.. whatever that is)

Lea - texas native, "queen bee" of miami, lawyer Roy Black's wife, 1 kid

Image via Bravo

L to R: Lea, Marysol, Alexia, Larsa, Cristy, Adriana

Now that I'm trying to recall the events of this first episode, I really can't remember anything significant other than Marysol's mom, Elsa, resembling The Lion Lady. Yikes.

I feel like I should be awarded for understanding that much information at all - 4/6 of the ladies have some serious accents. One of the boyfriends is French, or something, so he was subtitled. Elsa was impossible to understand because of her being as Cuban as a good cigar and who knows how many glasses of wine, so here we see MORE subtitles. I think  with the amount of subtitles used on the show, they could be on their way to just writing a book series (please, no).

Some more details are coming back to me (lucky you) - the reason Marysol went to her mothers was to get advice on her 10yrs younger lover (the show Cougar Town is totally set in Florida, maybe she went to the wrong audition). Adriana has commitment issues because her ex-husband left her for a 17 year old... or something. Total ew-factor. "Cuban Barbie" is a perfectionist who lets her 17 year old son go spend hundreds of dollars buying tables at nightclubs, I guess the term 'madre' didn't get translated properly for her. Cristy is now single and just wants to parrr-taayyy, but Larsa's all like "I'm so happily married I'm just gonna go home right now." Then there's Lea and her suuuper obvious sunglasses/tanning booth glasses tan line, sorry mama that's just not cute.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say - slash get down on my non-religious knees and pray - that this show does not make it past season 1. I just don't see the thrill in watching these women with too much money and too much time on their hands, all just existing to get into each others business. I went to high school, no one needs to relive the experience. Especially when it's just plus wrinkles, Cuban accents, and disgusting amounts of wine and tears. I get that their lives are glamorous, they all live in mansions by the beach blah blah blah I go to the beach too - wha-evah. I'm wondering if Bravo will ever run out of "housewives" (is it just me or a lot of these 'wives' divorced...) to plaster all over their channel? Hmmm... The REAL Housewives of [insert city-who's-reputation-will-now-suffer here]... I think they need to tweak the title a little bit. And the cast. And the concept. And the show. Bravo, I hereby declare that you have some serrrious work to do.

IIIIT'S JERSDAYYY!

Hokai, so. Forget Thursday - think JERSDAY. Yes you've heard my ramblings on the other - another? The other? Another? There's more than two shows set in Jersey right? Think so - another Jersey-central reality show, BUT no other stereotype-alicious Jersey show can compare to the GTL (Genius, Talent and uhh.. Lovable-ness..?) that is Jersey Shore.

Image via DoobyBrain

*Disclaimer - GTL really means Gym, Tan, Laundry, for those who are not as savvy as I*

Anyways, I LOVE this show. I'm completely aware of how trashy, crude, and unusual all of the cast mates are. Other than the regular annoyances of their sometimes incredibly meaningless drama, I've never really had an issue with the show until now.

Tonight's episode "The Great Depression," was the 41 minute aftermath of one of the cast, Sammi "Sweethearts" departure. For the few and far between who don't watch the show religiously (aka constantly refreshing the website that illegally posts the new episodes online after the EST show is broadcast, while living in the PST region, until the link appears), here is a small recap of the past episode that led up to Sammi leaving:

Image via GlobalGrind

Sam and her on-again-off-again roid ragin' boyfriend Ronnie had the biggest fight they'd had yet - which is saying a lot because I don't think anyone remembers what their non-shouting voices sound like - there was screaming and crying (by Sam), as well as clothes and bed frames being tossed around (by Ronnie).

Once the feral cats were finally separated, everyone went out to the clubs. Naturally. Sammi was all, "F that, I'ma get Ron back the best I know how" err.. or something, so she goes out and dances with some other Ed Hardy wearing, gelled hair 'guido' while Ron is standing "only 25ft away, bro."

Image via NYDailyNews

So Ron bails back to the house and literally smashes everything Sam owns on the floor, out onto the porch, yadda yadda (roid rage) yadda. Sam comes home to find the destruction that once was her corner of the room, confronts Ron with her broken glasses - I have to say I actually almost cried when that happened, you just don't go breaking people's glasses. Seriously. Don't do it. I will find you. And probably cry. - when all tears are is said and done Sam makes the decision to leave (FINALLY) and we're left with Ron, who is now also crying. Ugh. Fin.

Back to this Jersday. The name of the episode refers to Ronnie, because obviously his sadness can be compared to the greatest economic crisis of all time. I feel you, bro. NAHHT. He's only sad because Sam ACTUALLY left, he "never thought she's actually leave." Really? Because you made her feel oh, so welcome. If coming home to your bed trashed outside on the balcony, your glasses broken, and everything else you own scattered in and out and all around doesn't scream "I LOVE YOU, STAY WITH MEEEEE" then I just don't know what will. Amongst all of this, I really don't think roid ragin' Ron even comprehends that what he did is uhh.. OUT-OF-THIS-FREAKING-WORLD-WRONG. He's an emotionally abusive hypocrite - who is probably compensating for a lack elsewhere due to the roids - but, yes, it doesn't help that Sammi is a whiny brat who lets her boyfriend cheat and lie to her face. Barf. If they get back together, I'm going to create a petition in favor of a 72 hour hold.

The Sam and Ron saga has been exhausted. Heck, I'm exhausted. In other, more entertaining news, everyone loves a bit of cake shoved in their face every now and again, aaamIright? What? No? Oh, well I guess Vinny wasn't a big fan either. Tonight's episode also introduced a "prank war." There was dog poop under pillows, hanging stuffed crocodiles over the balcony, plenty of lighthearted, quality stuff - a much needed hiatus from the saga. I may have felt several IQ points lower after watching, but it was a sacrifice I was totally willing to make.

Alright, alright, but seriously though. I know I love this show, and so do MILLIONS of other people - literally, ratings for the show are craycray. But, WHY?! There is absolutely NOTHING special about these people, other than their knack for hitting people, getting shmammered, and dropping the F-bomb like an air strike. Yet, despite their general lack of substance, they're becoming increasingly some of the most recognized people in the US of A - and soon to be Italy (season 4 confirmed to go abroad), yikes! What is our fascination, really, with this people? Is it because they're caricatures of themselves? Or, because it's incredible to speculate that there are actually human beings like that out in the world somewhere? Maybe it satisfies some psychoanalyticalsocionormic-ish need in the brain. Maybe I should become a psychologist, figure it out and then make millions exploiting that need too. Hmmmm... Until then, watch on fellow GTL-ers. See you next Jersday.

Image of happier, hot tub-ier times via American Dish Blog

Social Bookmarking Soulmate

First, I want to be clear - I've found my soul mate, as in keeper boyf material - and as creepy as the term "soul mate" is to me, I'd like to share with you the delicious bookmarkings of one LeTigre1986. I first came across his/her (as previously mentioned I could assume female - as the interests saved via web pages are similar to mine - but I wouldn't want to be caught incorrectly stereotyping. And at the risk of being repetitive h/h will = his/her, just fyi) extensive bookmark library, all 3788 of them in fact, when perusing through fellow bookmarkers of Reality TV World. Le Tigre1986, who shall now be known as LT since we're soul mates and all, is extremely thorough when it comes to tagging the plethora of websites s/he has taken interest in across the vast WorldWideWaste(of time - see what I did there? Internet jargon humor. So clever, I slay myself.). The amount of tags s/he has used adds up to 3764, close enough to the total number of web pages that I have to assume s/he has an extreme penchant for detail - did I mention we're soul mates? Makes me wonder if s/he owns a labelmaker and uses h/h label talents on everything s/he owns... I would. Buuuut, due to the large number of tags the organization of the many, many websites is something to be desired, but soul mate doesn't necessarily mean 100% perfect - there's a human on the other side of that screen name, somewhere... out there.

Anyways, LT hasn't bookmarked in a while, but from Nov 9, 2010 and earlier s/he was pretty consistent with bookmarking a few things at least every month. Maybe s/he has saved anything and everything any Delicious user could need, but for my sake I hope s/he returns with some goodies for me to look over sooner rather than later.

I think that the rest of you internet-surfer-dudes-and-dudettes (I immediately regret typing that, but I'm having an aversion to the 'delete' button at this moment, but it's cool cuz I got it like that), I really think that you'd benefit from scoping out LT's link selection - most relevant all of the links under the tag 'entertainment'. For those TV junkies, like myself, s/he has quite a few that shed light on the subject. What I really enjoy, though, are all of the other types of entertainment that are under LT's tag umbrella. I was looking for TV, but BAM! I can now look at music sites, style sites, sites in FRENCH (c'est magnifique, non?), yadda yadda yadda my horizons have been WIDENED!

Two sites that I was glad to come across were: StarPulse and The Wrap. I've been thinking that incorporating a little gossip into my posts about all of these famewhores reality stars, I mean that's what they're all about right? Broadcasting every little detail of their lives? Who am I to stand in their way? So, these websites are both pretty much gossip/celebrity-based. The Wrap talks more about happenings within the industry regarding everything TV, film, or music, etc. Whereas, StarPulse is more semi-Perez in nature on the homepage, but they get in on the general entertainment industry info as well. These are just a couple of the almost 200 'entertainment' tagged websites - I think I even saw a few links talking about television news and gossip from the UK - we're going global, people!

So if you have free time, or like to pretend you do in spite of piling up papers and readings, I suggest you cruise on over and get your Delicious on. LT and I will be waiting...

Trilogy

Hello, World
Winter break is a time where midterms, papers and finals all turn into 1) sleeping in and 2) watching endless amounts of television. Well, this is the case when it comes to me and my college student ways. Luckily for me, my grandparents have every channel under the DirecTV sun, with my personal favorite channels being the ones that have routine marathons of entire seasons of their shows so I can catch up all at once (and then wonder where my entire day went). Amongst the plethora of channels and endless selections of shows, I found myself watching what some might call "bad" reality TV shows. As far as I’m concerned reality TV is SO bad... that it’s goooood, kind of like Kraft Mac’n’Cheese – you know it’s just not healthy, but it just feels so right when the cheesy-goodness takes over.

*Disclaimer: I am not a reality television advocate, per se, but it’s definitely one of my favorite past time that allows my brain to turn off - while I’m still awake*

If I could sum up a large chunk of my winter break in one word it would probably be: Jerseylicious. That’s right: 

© The Style Network

Just in case you didn't catch the lyrics of that captivating ditty, let me enlighten you:

 “Big hair, fancy clothes… rock stars in the spotlight. Tell me do you wanna? Can you really take the drama of a jerseylicious girl like me? I am crazylicious. I am superlicious. I’m the jerseylicious girl you need. Tell me can you take it? Do you really wanna make with a jerseylicious girl like me? I’m what you need!” 

Tracy and Olivia

I apologize, I absolutely just wasted 30 seconds of your life subjecting you to the theme song in video form and then another 30 seconds reading the lyrics themselves... Actually – I’m not sorry at all, I’m glad I could set the stage for all of you who’ve never experienced the fake tans, fake nails and parking lot catfights that is Jerseylicious. Basically, the entire show is about the ladies (lady isn’t quite the right word, but for now we’ll go with it) and gentlemen (also questionable) who work at The Gatsby Hair Salon in Green Brook, New Jersey. Basically, main characters are Tracy Dimarco and Olivia Blois Sharpe – they stir up the most drama,  get into the most confrontations and pretty much wear the most ridiculous outfits ever, thus I deem them the honor of being the main Jerseylicious girls. It’s odd to me that they can never shut up about how they’re such enemies, when all of their interests are EXACTLY the same. They’re both hair extension wearing, accessorizing obsessed, fake-nails-that-reach-to-New-York-wearing Oompa Loompas and all they can “tualk” about is how “Jersey” they are (be visualizing finger quotes right about now). Oh - and they continually date each others' ex-boyfriends... creepy, right?

SERIOUSLY?! Are all girls from New Jersey honestly this animal print infatuated and hairspray insane? I’ve never been to The Garden State myself, nor have I even encountered anyone from there (that even remotely resembles these two), so I can honestly say my only impressions of that state can be attributed to my Jerseylicious marathon watching -- and Jersey Shore, but my feelings about that show are for another time -- on the Style Network. The fact that the show is on the "STYLE" network also baffles me. With a name like that, shouldn’t the channel be emphasizing what TO wear and not what to avoid with a 39 1/2 ft pole? Which then begs the question, could people watching this show possibly be inspired to look or act that way because it’s on TV? I feel like for some people, who watch this show for hours on end, that it could actually start to infiltrate their subconscious and have them waking up one morning being orange, only every wearing a smoky eye, and claiming that everything is sprinkled with “glam fairy dust.”

I may sound hypocritical, since I took part in the marathon viewing of the show (sorry I'm not sorry), but  I'm not afraid to admit my flaws. Believe it. Embrace it. All I can do now is hope that I don’t look in the mirror one day to find myself applying FAR too much bronzer and with my hair looking like a family of mice camped out for the night. I know that people no longer believe in the hypodermic needle effect and all that jazz, but since anyone can get a TV show these days, who’s to say people aren’t going to watch these shows and then attempt to be more to be “realistic” and chase their own 15 minutes?

Over the course of this blog, I hope to explore the effects that reality TV may have on ACTUAL reality, what I believe it reflects about our society and our interests, and I hope to entertain you all in the process.
Enjoy.

Profile

When searching for a blog on reality television, THOUSANDS come up. Searching for one that actually comes from a person with opinions and ideas regarding the ridiculous content and not just the gossip surrounding the show proved to be a large task! The search finally waned when blogger Team Brenda came up on Technorati with a rank of 8126 (Auth: 430). The overall ranking and "authority rank" tell nothing of the sharp humor and wealth of knowledge on the reality television topic that this blog offers.

Team Brenda, TB for short (ignore any connotations of tuberculosis pleeasee), dedicates the  blog name to Brenda Walsh of Beverly Hills, 90210 – based on the author’s compassion for Brenda when Dylan picked Kelly. Throwback. So great. The pseudonym ‘Team Brenda’ is all readers are given regarding personal information about the actual author – hiding something, Team Brenda...? – which could be working in his or her (I want to assume 'her,' but I don't want to be caught with my stereotyping pants on) favor considering how freely his/her opinions are expressed – e.g. on American Idol contestants, referring to them as “Tonedeafshire,” or judges, “Paula ‘Walnuts’ Abdul.” In the one of his/her most recent posts, TB labels the newest season of American Idol as “So Far So Good” – so there's going to be more posts on it? Excellent. The commentary on some of the contestants is blunt, yet HIIIIILARIOUS – "I want to punch Michael because he burps and doesn’t think it’s rude.  And he can’t sing and looks ridiculous" – TB I have a new nickname for you: SS (Supahh Sassy).

TB posts almost every single day and at times even with multiple posts a day. TB doesn’t discriminate when it comes to television, s/he watches it all, but there’s a pretty clear focus on all of the reality shows that grace our cable channels. Another post relating to the current series of The Bachelor showcases the frank and sassy tone of TB - here.  The closing note of:

“I don’t know about you, but the only thing worth my time last night was the burnt orange throw spotted in the last ten minutes.  I’m hoping it was cashmere and I’m hoping it’s on sale”

is similar to the tone I plan to use in my blog – sarcastic, personable, hilarious, and honest. The tone doesn’t rank highly on an academic or professional scale, but that’s what gives the blog it’s character and what makes me want to continue reading. TB focuses on mostly  his/her own opinions regarding the content of the shows through a recap of the main events. I plan on putting a slightly more philosophical spin on it in an attempt to get people thinking about the bigger picture that all of these shows may be painting. The posts regarding reality television are insightful as to how I could approach my coverage of shows or format my blog posts. TB gives readers blog-worthy opinions from an honest television fan who is “loving [his/her] life, one episode at a time,” which sounds all too familiar.

For access to the fabulous Team Brenda: http://goteambrenda.com/

 Voice Critique

For all things “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” many people flock to the lengthy posts of Reality Steve. He has been sharing spoilers and detailed recaps of the dating show for the last 19 seasons, which can be translated into EIGHT YEARS! Now that is dedication. This guy really knows his stuff, usually thanks to an anonymous source every season, but also because he becomes friends with some of the cast members once the shows are finished filming and gets lots of juicy, behind-the-scenes gossip.
To put it plainly, he is an intelligent and savvy, yet completely disgusting male-blogger personality. I’ve gone through two of his recent posts in particular and seeing as they’re about 8 printed pages long each, I feel confident in saying that I’ve become fairly familiar with the voice he employs to both entertain and inform his readers – plus he has self-titled his blog “my sarcastic, slanted, sophomoric and skewed view on the world of reality television,” which makes it nice and clear right off the bat.

One post consists mainly of his responses to fan emails from the week before, regarding the current season of The Bachelor, where audiences are following Brad Womack. The other post is his regular episode recap, complete with inappropriate and witty commentary. The first element of Steve’s voice is that he is very conversational; he refers directly to the reader – “as I’m sure you’ve all heard by now,” “sorry for the delay, but some good dirt just dropped in my lap, ”consistently throughout his posts. This makes his writing very easy, yet still completely engaging to read and gives the sense that he is talkative, pretty eloquent guy. Steve uses mostly humor to dissect the cast and the events on the show; throughout both posts he uses a recurring joke referring to the fact that at one point Brad had briefly changed his last name to ‘Pickelsimer.’ His variations include, Mr. Pickle, Dicklewimer, Whippleclimber, Picklefarmer, Stickleheimer, and the list continues on and on, but I’m sure you get the idea. The use of the recurring joke made me want to continue on even just to see what new names he came up with later on. He’s hilarious.

His humor also extends beyond the every day name-calling. As I mentioned before, Reality Steve is also disgusting. Not as a person in general (well I probably have no authority in making that statement, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt… for now), but more in an inappropriate-male humor sort of way – two words: penis jokes. Amongst his recap information, he slipped in a few of these gems:

“If he kisses your eye, then you kiss his eye. His one eyed monster… I hope she kissed his yogurt cannon… he had to wait til South Africa for you to orally take the temperature on his meat thermometer.”

Coming from a female reader, which I’m willing to bet are the bulk of his followers, I repeat: disgusting. Steve is unafraid, that much is clear, that element of his character also makes me want to continue reading just to see what he could possibly say next.

While reading Steve’s posts, it feels as though you’re getting a direct line to his brain. As mentioned before, his lack of filter demonstrates this, but he also uses punctuation and grammar that gives a sense that we’re reading his stream of consciousness. His use of short sentences, “He’s a big boy. I’m sure he can handle it. Hilarious… Sorry. But it’s her.” This definitely lets the readers know that what he’s writing is just who he is and that you could quite possible hear the exact same things if you were face-to-face.

All of these characteristics that create Reality Steve’s voice are what, I believe, both attract and repulse readers (who come back to read it anyway because he’s so entertaining and almost ALWAYS right with the predictions – bonus!). His voice works well with the content of his blog because he is absolutely ridiculous and, lets face it, even if you haven’t seen the show I’m sure you can imagine how ridiculous it is for 1 man to meet 30 women and then propose to one of them 6 weeks later after 4-ish (emphasis on the –ish) dates. Like I said: ridiculous.